I am 60. The big six zero. Sliding down the slope at a very rapid pace to 70, oh my!!!
I was diagnosed early this year with pre-diabetes which, of course, does not sound as bad as diabetes. I had always thought that if I was diagnosed with some sort of problem that could be cured with A, B or C, I would immediately hop on the band wagon and get it done. Do what ever was necessary to overcome whatever the issue was. I find, however, I am seriously lacking in any type of ambition. My procrastination ability is leading me down the road to Type 2 diabetes.
I merely have to lose approximately 23 pounds and exercise 3 times a week or better and I will greatly reduce my chances of becoming diabetic. I am even on Metformin which should help the process and I recently had a partial thyroidectomy (which I do take medication for since the remaining piece of thyroid decide to quit when it's larger, lumpier half was removed). I am told by the doctors that the weight should be coming off (I do eat fairly healthy although I admit to a sweet tooth). So why, oh why can't I seem to do it?
What is procrastination (other than an exceedingly long word)? Read what I found below.
I was diagnosed early this year with pre-diabetes which, of course, does not sound as bad as diabetes. I had always thought that if I was diagnosed with some sort of problem that could be cured with A, B or C, I would immediately hop on the band wagon and get it done. Do what ever was necessary to overcome whatever the issue was. I find, however, I am seriously lacking in any type of ambition. My procrastination ability is leading me down the road to Type 2 diabetes.
I merely have to lose approximately 23 pounds and exercise 3 times a week or better and I will greatly reduce my chances of becoming diabetic. I am even on Metformin which should help the process and I recently had a partial thyroidectomy (which I do take medication for since the remaining piece of thyroid decide to quit when it's larger, lumpier half was removed). I am told by the doctors that the weight should be coming off (I do eat fairly healthy although I admit to a sweet tooth). So why, oh why can't I seem to do it?
What is procrastination (other than an exceedingly long word)? Read what I found below.
The True Meaning of Procrastination
The definition of procrastination
Procrastinate definition, to defer action; delay: to procrastinate until an opportunity is lost
But it is the Oxford English Dictionary that gets closest to
the irrational dark heart of the word. It defines procrastination as a
postponement, "often with the sense of deferring though indecision, when
early action would have been preferable," or as "defer[ing] action,
especially without good reason.
Oh yes I can come up with reasons why I haven't lost weight in many, many years. It started out as 'baby weight' after the birth of my second son in which I gained 60 lbs. Then it was not having time to work on the weight loss issue, then moving to Las Vegas, moving back to Vermont, etc., etc. Not one of those reasons were really in any way valid. Oh they might have had a moment but nothing more than that. I have been plagued all my life by procrastination. Some times its okay but most of the time it has cost me a great deal. The great thing about getting older is I realize hindsight really is 20/20. Well maybe it isn't such a great thing.
I have a health problem, something that can't be fixed by drugs, surgery or other people. The only person that can fix it is me. I have the tools, I do know how to fix the problem, I just can't seem to do it. I keep saying, 'tomorrow', day after day and then a week is gone, a month, and nothing has change. The only constant is me saying tomorrow.
Don't think I haven't spoken with counselors. At this point I could have a degree and open my own office, I speak 'counselor' with ease. I know what they are going to say and how I am going to answer.
It is awful to think that this long streak of procrastination is actually a long streak of insecurity and self-defeating attitude. And in long I do mean back to my childhood. Back to those first 3 years when all the adults in my life took my life and turned it upside down and inside out. Took me away from those I knew and loved, shattered my world and thrust me into the great unknown. Made me feel small, insignificant, unloved and unwanted. My mother gave me up to be put into a system to be fostered by strangers and eventually given to strangers who would now be my parents.
It has colored my world. Made the dark corners of my mind darker. It has been the imp that always whispered in my ear that I wasn't quite good enough and I procrastinated and the imp was right. In school I didn't live up to my potential. I failed in college. I have a thing about being on time but I can't seem to finish things on time.
It is the hurtful things said that stick in my mind. The Boston Globe Art Show, I got an honorable mention for a block print. We went to the Saltonstall Building in Boston to see the show, I was over the moon. The work of the other young high school students were amazing. My father saw my piece and said, 'I wonder how you got a mention at all with all this other talent around'. My heart was pierced.
I got to go to college as an art major not the college I wanted to go to but to a state school where they could turn me into an art teacher, which was not my goal in life. So I procrastinated about going to classes, finishing assignments, my parents paid while I had a good time but like all good times eventually it had to end. I left college, with no degree and no shame at my 'bad' behavior. This was a running theme with my adoptive parents. Me not being quite good enough. Time and time again I proved them right.
I have said many time that you have to leave your past behind because it can effect your future. Unfortunately I haven't been able to do that. My past keeps bumping into my present which disturbs my future. It subconscious. I don't deliberately dwell on what was I try to focus on what is but there are some days when a phrase, a feeling, a random thought hits and suddenly I am 3.
One of the last conversations I had with my adoptive mom (we never really spoke of my adoption although I always knew I was adopted) was for her to say to me that when they got the call about a boy and a girl ready for adoption they rushed to get there but the boy was gone so they took me. And that is pretty much how I have always felt, second best.
Don't get me wrong, I loved my adoptive parents and never want to meet my biological parents (I figured they didn't want me, I didn't need them). I know my adoptive parents did their best but I also realize from being a parent that some people shouldn't be parents and mine were the kind that they were great at being an aunt and uncle but not so great with a small, redhead child, that grew up with ideas and thoughts of her own and a temper to match her hair.
But that was then and this is now. It is not their fault nor anyone else's that I find myself in this predicament. It is my body, my weight and my brain, attitude, or procrastination that has gotten me stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can move forward, but frankly, I afraid, I know how, but it's like the proverbial tunnel and I don't see the light at the end and that scares me
I guess the only way to do it is when I wake up in the morning I have to say 'today' and continue to say it every day and to keep looking at the positive in this life of mine.
