Why bother???

There are times in life when the days are gray. Not physically but mentally. I would not say that I suffer from depression but there have been times that life has been almost more than I could bare.
Disappointments are part of life but there are times when they seem to stack up like firewood and become an impenetrable wall. You can neither scale it or dig under it, you can only hit it again and again and again with the hope that the wall will come down without doing damage to you.
Today the wall became higher than I had seen it in years. The accumulation of months of negative feedback, worries, woes and various issues piled up one against the other until I could no longer see the other side.
For years I have volunteered or worked for our little town in a variety of positions. From being a PTG mom to the schoolboard to being a lister. I have always tried to see both sides of a situation. I am sometimes called a people pleaser or an optimist. I like, no I love, to see the best in a situation.
Our town has been around since the 1700's. Back in a time when going 20 miles could take you  more than a day to travel, people came and settled here. Strong people, willing people. Some of my own ancestors came from Massachusetts to Windsor, VT in the 1700's. Back in those days that was like traveling to the moon. There was a chance you may never see your family again when you moved that far away. These were people that made do with what they had. They built towns mean to last.
Now it seems no one cares. No one wants to be involved, take the responsibility of helping a neighbor or helping their town.
I have worked for the past 14 years in a town office that was once our town's one room schoolhouse. There are pictures of children and their teachers outside the building. Our town celebrated 'Old Home Days' in the shadow of this school. It is old, ramshackle and unloved by the towns people. The paint is peeling off the building, the interior is dusty and dirty. Mice nibble at the old law books and people turn their heads away as they drive by. If they ignore it, it doesn't exist.
We can't afford a new town office. We can't afford a complete renovation of the old town office. We can't seem to even be able to afford to be willing to come up with a solution that would show people who come to our town office to do research that we care about our town.
I once thought that small towns offered a glimmer of times gone by. When neighbor helped neighbor. When a town would pull together to get things done. But it seems that time has gone by. Instead of coming together to find a solution to the problem of our town office, people spent 2 1/2 years arguing over what to be done. A final vote put an end to the dream of a new town office but still left us with the problem of an old town office. I had thought New Englanders made do, could make something out of nothing. Here we have a building, yes it has 'issues'. But there are solutions out there to these issues. We have people in town who have spent their lives in the building trades. We have people with time, maybe a little or maybe a lot. We have people that could contribute supplies or money. Why are some still trying to force the issue of a new building or trying to get the old building condemned?
I am so discouraged and disappointed. I want to be like those who won't do. I want to give up and not care. I have to admit this time I am feeling down and out. I am feeling like the wall is too high. There is no way to get over it and I am tired of trying. I don't know if this is going to lead me down a different path. But for now I am going to stop trying to climb the wall. I am giving up. I care and frankly that sucks because caring hurts and I am damn tired of hurting.

Good Morning VT!

Good Morning VT! It's a new month! Can you believe we just zipped through September and now October is here. To me the start of the holiday season. Although all months have some type of celebration incorporated into the month whether it be some 'oddball' holiday like Emma Nutt Day (first woman telephone operator for those not in the know) held on Sept. 1st to a totally American holiday like Thanksgiving in November (like you didn't know that one). To me this is count down time. Not necessarily to Christmas but to another year. Christmas is great don't get me wrong, family time and all that but way over done. The reason why Christmas is celebrated by Christians has been forgotten by many. And it has become a very commercial enterprise. Like to see the stores to that with Emma Nutt Day or any of the other 'oddball' holidays.
Well I digress. Like spring with the rebirth of our planet, this time of year is when our small part of the planet takes a rest in a sense. The trees turn brilliant colors and drop their leaves. Animals forage constantly eating or storing food stuffs in order to make it through the short, cold days to come. We humans prepare our house, store our own food and get ready for the season of cold. When spring comes we New Englanders race out with arms open wide and embrace spring, summer and fall. We become dazed and confused with sunny day after sunny day. We mow lawns and sit in the shade of trees. We plant gardens and we harvest from them. We abandoned with much relief sweaters, heavy coats and winter boots. We live in tees, shorts and flip flops. I am always amazed how quickly New Englanders change during the warm months. It is as if they blossom with the warmer weather.
But eventually the days grow shorter and concern over the cold months becomes the main worry. Canning jars appear with big pots. Freezers are cleared out and readied for the incoming harvest. The sweatshirts, jeans, socks and sneakers reappear from the depths of closets. But once again these New Englanders run out and embrace the colder weather and shorter days. The colorful leaves, pumpkins that need to be carved, apples to be picked and eaten, cold night with wood stoves fired up and pots cooking on the stoves with applesauce and stews.
We prepare for what we consider the 'important' holidays. The one that I am most familiar with having grown up in the 50's and 60's. Halloween back then was just a fun time for kids. Now it is only second to Christmas in the amount of money spent. That doesn't seem right to me. Growing up it was dress up night. No expensive outfits, lots of home made ones, carving a pumpkin and going from door to door collecting candy cause frankly kids dressed up are cute and funny. There was no great importance to that holiday other than it was fun.
Thanksgiving meant preparation. Silver to be polished, crystal to be cleaned. The 'good' dinnerware brought our and washed and dried very carefully. These were the prized possessions of my mother's seen only on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Hidden away in the hallway closet and her bedroom closet for the rest of the year. There was also the ironing of the linen table cloth. That in itself a torturous routine. But in the end our kitchen table would be dressed in it's finest. The house would smell of turkey and other wondrous delights and my small family of 2 uncles,1 aunt, a cousin, my grandmother, my parents and myself would sit down to a table groaning under the weight of holiday food. Leftovers would go home with the relatives and we would continue to eat turkey for a week but that day made me feel comforted. Surrounded by the familiar as if life would never change. There was truly a reason to be thankful and I was and still am. I think of it ofter as the forgotten holiday. Stuck somewhere between the 2 money makers people forget that there is a great significance to Thanksgiving. Not just turkey and taters. It is a time to give thanks for what we as Americans have. Take time and think about the true meaning of this holiday.
Christmas starts coming in sooner than later. I have already seen decoration gracing some stores. It is too early for me and I turn a blind eye to them. I don't mind doing my Christmas shopping early but I will not be forced to decorate or join the mayhem of Christmas. My hubby and I no longer erect a tree in our house in celebration. I prefer to bring some of the outdoors in with my decorations and even just scatter a few of the old favorite decorations among the many plants that grace the interior of our house. Lights are as pretty draped on a 6' ficus as on a 7' spruce. Christmas is a spiritual holiday but it has become commercial. What more can be said on that subject?
The first day of the New Year is my own holiday. I don't decorate for it. I don't stay up late to see it in. I don't drink myself silly over it. I am just grateful for (hopefully) another year. I think of the possibilities, I love possibilities. What will the year be like? Oh the possibilities! Good or bad we will somehow make our way through another year. Things will change as they always do but we will continue to move forward. Always surprised and amazed at what it before us and where we have been. And maybe this year I will add a few new 'holidays' of my own. Days of personal celebration.
Carpe Diem!!!