There are times in life when the days are gray. Not physically but mentally. I would not say that I suffer from depression but there have been times that life has been almost more than I could bare.
Disappointments are part of life but there are times when they seem to stack up like firewood and become an impenetrable wall. You can neither scale it or dig under it, you can only hit it again and again and again with the hope that the wall will come down without doing damage to you.
Today the wall became higher than I had seen it in years. The accumulation of months of negative feedback, worries, woes and various issues piled up one against the other until I could no longer see the other side.
For years I have volunteered or worked for our little town in a variety of positions. From being a PTG mom to the schoolboard to being a lister. I have always tried to see both sides of a situation. I am sometimes called a people pleaser or an optimist. I like, no I love, to see the best in a situation.
Our town has been around since the 1700's. Back in a time when going 20 miles could take you more than a day to travel, people came and settled here. Strong people, willing people. Some of my own ancestors came from Massachusetts to Windsor, VT in the 1700's. Back in those days that was like traveling to the moon. There was a chance you may never see your family again when you moved that far away. These were people that made do with what they had. They built towns mean to last.
Now it seems no one cares. No one wants to be involved, take the responsibility of helping a neighbor or helping their town.
I have worked for the past 14 years in a town office that was once our town's one room schoolhouse. There are pictures of children and their teachers outside the building. Our town celebrated 'Old Home Days' in the shadow of this school. It is old, ramshackle and unloved by the towns people. The paint is peeling off the building, the interior is dusty and dirty. Mice nibble at the old law books and people turn their heads away as they drive by. If they ignore it, it doesn't exist.
We can't afford a new town office. We can't afford a complete renovation of the old town office. We can't seem to even be able to afford to be willing to come up with a solution that would show people who come to our town office to do research that we care about our town.
I once thought that small towns offered a glimmer of times gone by. When neighbor helped neighbor. When a town would pull together to get things done. But it seems that time has gone by. Instead of coming together to find a solution to the problem of our town office, people spent 2 1/2 years arguing over what to be done. A final vote put an end to the dream of a new town office but still left us with the problem of an old town office. I had thought New Englanders made do, could make something out of nothing. Here we have a building, yes it has 'issues'. But there are solutions out there to these issues. We have people in town who have spent their lives in the building trades. We have people with time, maybe a little or maybe a lot. We have people that could contribute supplies or money. Why are some still trying to force the issue of a new building or trying to get the old building condemned?
I am so discouraged and disappointed. I want to be like those who won't do. I want to give up and not care. I have to admit this time I am feeling down and out. I am feeling like the wall is too high. There is no way to get over it and I am tired of trying. I don't know if this is going to lead me down a different path. But for now I am going to stop trying to climb the wall. I am giving up. I care and frankly that sucks because caring hurts and I am damn tired of hurting.
Disappointments are part of life but there are times when they seem to stack up like firewood and become an impenetrable wall. You can neither scale it or dig under it, you can only hit it again and again and again with the hope that the wall will come down without doing damage to you.
Today the wall became higher than I had seen it in years. The accumulation of months of negative feedback, worries, woes and various issues piled up one against the other until I could no longer see the other side.
For years I have volunteered or worked for our little town in a variety of positions. From being a PTG mom to the schoolboard to being a lister. I have always tried to see both sides of a situation. I am sometimes called a people pleaser or an optimist. I like, no I love, to see the best in a situation.
Our town has been around since the 1700's. Back in a time when going 20 miles could take you more than a day to travel, people came and settled here. Strong people, willing people. Some of my own ancestors came from Massachusetts to Windsor, VT in the 1700's. Back in those days that was like traveling to the moon. There was a chance you may never see your family again when you moved that far away. These were people that made do with what they had. They built towns mean to last.
Now it seems no one cares. No one wants to be involved, take the responsibility of helping a neighbor or helping their town.
I have worked for the past 14 years in a town office that was once our town's one room schoolhouse. There are pictures of children and their teachers outside the building. Our town celebrated 'Old Home Days' in the shadow of this school. It is old, ramshackle and unloved by the towns people. The paint is peeling off the building, the interior is dusty and dirty. Mice nibble at the old law books and people turn their heads away as they drive by. If they ignore it, it doesn't exist.
We can't afford a new town office. We can't afford a complete renovation of the old town office. We can't seem to even be able to afford to be willing to come up with a solution that would show people who come to our town office to do research that we care about our town.
I once thought that small towns offered a glimmer of times gone by. When neighbor helped neighbor. When a town would pull together to get things done. But it seems that time has gone by. Instead of coming together to find a solution to the problem of our town office, people spent 2 1/2 years arguing over what to be done. A final vote put an end to the dream of a new town office but still left us with the problem of an old town office. I had thought New Englanders made do, could make something out of nothing. Here we have a building, yes it has 'issues'. But there are solutions out there to these issues. We have people in town who have spent their lives in the building trades. We have people with time, maybe a little or maybe a lot. We have people that could contribute supplies or money. Why are some still trying to force the issue of a new building or trying to get the old building condemned?
I am so discouraged and disappointed. I want to be like those who won't do. I want to give up and not care. I have to admit this time I am feeling down and out. I am feeling like the wall is too high. There is no way to get over it and I am tired of trying. I don't know if this is going to lead me down a different path. But for now I am going to stop trying to climb the wall. I am giving up. I care and frankly that sucks because caring hurts and I am damn tired of hurting.
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