What am I doing up right now? Three o'clock in the morning, my bedroom light is on hidden behind a closed door and drawn curtains. I can't sleep. I try but I can't. I am hot, shaking, light headed and sleep eludes me like a dream. I am detoxing. How the hell did I get here? It is really a simple story.
I use to sleep like stone. I slept through my 2 boys infancy. I didn't hear their cries in the night, their father did. Once I fell asleep, I slept, I dreamed, I awoke in the morning refreshed. Then it stopped. Not suddenly but gradually my nights of sleeping stopped. I was what is now called Peri-menopausal at 35.
My body betrayed me with restless nights. Some nights only a few uncomfortable hours of rest with hot flashes thrown in just to add to the misery of my nights.
Finally after years of on and off again problematic sleep I asked for and received a prescription for sleeping pills.Oh the bliss of those tiny pills. Take one and the world disappears for at least 6 hours. The night hours enfold you in a blanket of sleep. They are indeed a blessing and a curse. I didn't realize it but I had started an addiction. Wanting to sleep, desperate for sleep, I let a little pill do what my body no longer seemed able to do. And now my body can't sleep without it's little pill. It is not a comfortable feeling to lose control of part of your life. And I have most definitely lost control of my sleeping habits. So tonight for some reason I decided not to take my little pill. I have tried before and what I am feeling right now is most unpleasant. I want to grab that prescription bottle and just pop a pill. Make the misery end and slip away into my lovely drug induced sleep.
I am tired, in fact exhausted by this night time ritual of using a drug to fall asleep. This is the longest, roughest and most sleepless night I have had in a long time. But it also occurs to me that my nights of sleeplessness don't have to be wasted on tossing, turning and hoping for sleep. There is a stack of books I would like to read. There are cross stitch pieces I want to do. In fact there are many quiet and comforting projects I could do easily in the dark hours. I don't have to sleep because eventually I will sleep. I may not sleep like my pre-35 year old body but I will adjust and eventually sleep will come and I will gratefully accept it.
Meanwhile, there is a book I have been meaning to read.
I use to sleep like stone. I slept through my 2 boys infancy. I didn't hear their cries in the night, their father did. Once I fell asleep, I slept, I dreamed, I awoke in the morning refreshed. Then it stopped. Not suddenly but gradually my nights of sleeping stopped. I was what is now called Peri-menopausal at 35.
My body betrayed me with restless nights. Some nights only a few uncomfortable hours of rest with hot flashes thrown in just to add to the misery of my nights.
Finally after years of on and off again problematic sleep I asked for and received a prescription for sleeping pills.Oh the bliss of those tiny pills. Take one and the world disappears for at least 6 hours. The night hours enfold you in a blanket of sleep. They are indeed a blessing and a curse. I didn't realize it but I had started an addiction. Wanting to sleep, desperate for sleep, I let a little pill do what my body no longer seemed able to do. And now my body can't sleep without it's little pill. It is not a comfortable feeling to lose control of part of your life. And I have most definitely lost control of my sleeping habits. So tonight for some reason I decided not to take my little pill. I have tried before and what I am feeling right now is most unpleasant. I want to grab that prescription bottle and just pop a pill. Make the misery end and slip away into my lovely drug induced sleep.
I am tired, in fact exhausted by this night time ritual of using a drug to fall asleep. This is the longest, roughest and most sleepless night I have had in a long time. But it also occurs to me that my nights of sleeplessness don't have to be wasted on tossing, turning and hoping for sleep. There is a stack of books I would like to read. There are cross stitch pieces I want to do. In fact there are many quiet and comforting projects I could do easily in the dark hours. I don't have to sleep because eventually I will sleep. I may not sleep like my pre-35 year old body but I will adjust and eventually sleep will come and I will gratefully accept it.
Meanwhile, there is a book I have been meaning to read.
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